Fifty

I know right, fifty shades again?! Many people been asking me why am I so totally into this book and before I could even explain why, they concluded that I love reading porn. Like seriously man, reading porn? No. I love this book because this book for me is not just all about sex. I somehow can see the insight of the story, I can visualize Christian Grey's childhood and how impeccable he would be if he really does exist. 

My addiction towards fifty is almost incurable (I think). Even when I'm with my boyfriend, I can just read and read and read, engrossing in this book the whole day and ignore him. Then when I'm done with one book, I get very emotional, depressed and do not feel like talking at all. My mind was all about fifty shades trilogy. I wonder how christian grey looks like, how attractive Anatalsia is, why is Grey's childhood so fucked up and etc etc. My mind has nothing else but this book. 

Then I realize, I have been living in E.L James imagination and I can't seem to get myself out. It's like a part of me is in fifty and when I'm done reading the book, part of me is gone. :( I seek for advice from my best friend and my sister. They said I have to stop living in their "world", it does not exist. They know how I feel like when I said a part of me is gone because they feel the same after watching certain series and anime. They said I need to socialize. 

I took my phone and scrolled the name list over and over again. Who can I socialize with? I'm the only one so far I've know that has done reading fifty shades trilogy. Who else can I share my depression and addiction with? Then I look up for fifty fan page in internet. I read the comments pages by pages and I told myself if I would to join them then my addiction will not go any better, I will just keep drowning indefinitely.

After a while, I decided to story the whole thing to the boyfriend. He was like woooo, wuaaa and etc etc then when i'm done I asked him can u visualize the whole thing? Not the BDSM part but I mean the  melancholia part of christian's childhood and how strong ana has to be for him? He murmured no vaguely.

Someone has to help me out. I tried diverting my attention to baking, shopping and trying hard to plan our upcoming europe trip, but it seems like it's not working on me.

It's just a damn book, but why on earth am I so addicted to it?

Present, Past, Future

I have been really busy with my final year project, tests and assignments for the past 2 weeks. Even though in between, which some of you may know, I went back Miri just to see my family and to celebrate the boyfriend's birthday. 

To the curiosity of many people, how on earth can this girl whom is yours truly, me, spare the time to go back home with the continuously piling up workload while you yourself don't even have the time to take a puff, a proper shower or even a proper meal? So because of my frequent going-back home phenomena, I have been giving people an impression that I care less or do not even bother about my studies as much as other people do, or my course is simply freaking mad free compared to other courses. 

What I can tell you is, you are so wrong. So wrong that you should really face-palm yourself. I was busy and still busy. But I'm not that kind of person who can be productive or even work under stress. I have to work to study in a relaxing mood then only I can absorb the knowledge and theories behind every subject. 

To juggle with my going back home, studies, traveling and etc, I have been study really hard whenever I can, whenever I have the time. I go to bed at around 2am everyday, wake up at 10am if there is no class and earlier if there is class. I must have sufficient sleep. Then once I wake up, I would just sit in front of the laptop doing my work with full concentration, study, do notes as early preparation for final so that I do not have to read the same thing twice but read my own notes. In between that, I need to take a 15 minutes break so I would facebook, youtube a while which are my favorites. And if I completed my work earlier than I expected, I would watch some series. 

As I have the least interest in sports when I'm in the university, I do not do sports which I have another extra 2 hours studying when my friends go sports. I barely eat out which save me another 1 hour as I eat in room and do my project in the same time. I do complain to my boyfriend and my close friends that I feel suffocated being in room for too long a period sometime but I always tell myself:

This is what you have to pay for if you want to balance out between going back home, traveling and studying.

My batch mates do go back home every single weekend, some maybe every alternate week. But for them, I shouldn't go back at all because theirs are 2 hours of driving distance while mine is a 4 hours driving distance from the uni to airport, 2 hours flight, minus of the waiting time I have to spend in the airport, it's 6 hours, maximum I have ever spent in the car, bus, airport was 12 hours. But I feel worth it, definitely worth it to be back home for home-cooked, to see my family my cousins and my boyfriend. Its always good to be home.

So I always opted for midnight bus to the airport where I can sleep in the bus, wake up morning in the airport and with my laptop I'm able to complete another assignment while waiting for my flight, back home showered, took a 2 hours nap then lunch with boyfriend then visited my baby cousin and had fun with her. Even though it sounds really tiring but I'm pretty used to it.

Some may ask won't it affect my academic performance and etc? No. For me, no. Last semester I travelled really frequent here and there but manage to get all As and only one A- for final exam. So, I proved to certain people that they are wrong for saying that studying has always been my last priority in my life. 

I do admit that I have not much interest in engineering currently and studying for the sake of studying. I do not have the intention of working under people's orders for my entire life. I'm not that kind of person who is suitable to be a follower, I want to lead my own life my career myself. I want to be able to make decision on certain things. I want to do something which every morning waking up, I'm looking forward to it but not going to the office reluctantly. Life is meaningless in that way if you are to do something you are not interested in for your whole life. 

Then again, to become successful, I MUST learn how to be a good follower and a good leader in the same time, which I'm still learning. Today my friend threw me a question asking me.

"When you are old and at your 40s, looking back at your university life, what could be the most fun most interesting thing that you have done?"

He gave me a hard time thinking. And I still do not have an exact answer. But I know I enjoyed my university life a lot when I was in foundation, when everyone was very close. 

Me and another 2 females coursemates ever threw our bags outside the windows during lectures without lecturer noticing and sneaked out, went for lunch and went back room. Thats the first crazy thing. Me and another 4 friends: Jv, Meili, Arvin and Wison ever drove all the way from university to Ipoh just for a cup of mcd iced milo then drove all the way back again at 2am. Thats the second crazy thing. A bunch of us ever went out for a big night walk group and took pictures in the middle of the road outside the university. That's the third crazy thing.

I can keep going on and on. I did appreciate my university life but thats not enough for me yet. As we grow, we are becoming more and more mature. We stop doing all these things and be serious with our studies our relationships. What's driving us apart is the ultimate goal that each of us is chasing is becoming different and also bad rumors, really bad rumors. 

Something has to be done to change all this. As much as I miss the past, I know there is no reverse gear in the present, all I can do is to appreciate the present so I would not regret in the future.

Gloomy day 03/11

I woke up to a gloomy day this morning. Thinking of how to go to my 2pm class later as it seems like it's going to rain.

Can't skip. If I skip I will be doomed.

Been a long night for me last night. Rushed for the bloody fyp which my lecturer changed my topic 2 days before the proposal submission deadline. GREAT. Managed to finish ahead of schedule though. Problem, fyp?

Then talked to the bf as usual before I slept. I wonder when this sucky long distance relationship gonna come to an end. I definitely don't want it LDR after I graduate again.

Eff distance. Just can't wait to get over with this. I see many couples in this ldr thing. Not all survive. Some are betrayed by their partner, causing the other half to have wasted their years of youth on this guy/woman. Some break up because they cannot compromise to each other needs.

One thing I realize, the one who has to compromise with thing such as work, place to settle down, and etc very often is the female.

While the guy thinks that it is nothing wrong with the girl to compromise because well, that's the norm, have those guys ever think of those sacrifices a woman has to make just to be with you? She has to leave everything behind and follow you everywhere you go.

While sometime all the gf needs are extra care, understandings, extra attentions from you, you find it bothersome.

I can go on and on whole day. But that's not the case. Just some thoughts since I got nothing to do waiting for the rain to cease.
For those who are waiting for some good show between me and my bf, screw you, we are good. This is just some random thoughts after few friendly chats with friends.

But still, relationship is a matter of give and take. Just that who is willing to be the giver, who be the taker.

:/

Blogged using my iPhone.